Advice For Believers Leaving Christianity
Though fundamentalism is a large world, it is divided into many smaller “camps.” The majority of these camps are based around well-known pastors or Bible colleges. The “flavor” of fundamentalism that you were most exposed to will depend on which college you (or your parents or pastors) attended. You will be exposed to more than others if you have relocated frequently, either physically or through attending different churches. It is unlikely that you will come across someone whose life story is exactly the same as yours unless they are a sibling, in which case age may play a role.
Making connections with people who may have gone to the same college or had comparable upbringings is, in my opinion, advantageous. However, proceed with caution. Finding a person who “gets it” and has a similar story can be helpful in the healing process, even if that someone is just an anonymous online user.
It is difficult to find loving, gracious people who adhere to political and religious rights, or who at the very least avoid getting involved in politics or social issues. It is not that we cannot examine these matters honestly and face issues head-on as we examine our own spiritual perspectives and determine which ones are consistent with the Bible. However, it appears to me that many people seeking to flee abuse and fundamentalism ingest whatever the political and liberal left has to offer. I advise you against following suit.
Social media has advantages as well as disadvantages. My Facebook and Twitter feed used to be overrun with posts from various “christian” denominations. At the time, I thought that phase was something I had to experience. I had searched far and wide without success for a “church” that did not incorporate paganism, false doctrine, or pagan rituals into its services. I was upset, nervous, and nauseated all the time because of it. I was constantly searching for erroneous doctrine, and I nearly always discovered it. While there is a lot of good stuff here, there is also a lot of angst, misunderstanding, and really flawed theological conclusions. For this reason, let me say it again: proceed with caution. You must understand that you are not alone in experiencing what you have. However, you must also move on. When that needs to happen is something only you can determine. Earlier is preferable to later, in my opinion.
It is important to keep in mind that healing takes time—a very long time. Grief goes through (at least) five stages. The process of moving through the stages is not linear. You will continually go back and forth. You will eventually overcome it and emerge stronger and wiser.
The family might not take it well. It is possible that your parents, siblings, grandparents, and other family members who were present when you were a fundamentalist will not comprehend your desire to leave or your decision to leave. It is also possible that they interpret it as a personal rejection. This response is typical. Try your best to provide a compassionate explanation devoid of sentiment or personal jabs at people who think you are mistaken or sinful. Likewise, do not make an excessive effort to protect yourself. It can be an emotional drain. Release them from what you want from them (understanding, apologies, revenge, or whatever) and do your best to move on.
The following books were very helpful for me in this department:
- No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice–Instead of Good–Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
If you are a wife who wants to leave Christianity but your husband is still a fundamentalist, or not ready, I recommend reading the articles on this website when you and your husband are in different spiritual places
I am still learning how to navigate family relationships, so I will not go into further detail out of respect for those who are closest to me. However, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you are having trouble with this. Depending on the details of your case, I might be able to offer you more advice.
Forgiveness is Hard, But Paramount
During this journey, you will have to decide whether to let go of your hurt and resentment or to forgive and move on. Especially if you have been emotionally abused in a church, your abuser(s) may never understand the pain they have inflicted. A toxic environment cannot acknowledge its own toxicity, and people who are in it are blind to it. This implies that you might never receive the forgiveness or comprehension you seek from parents, siblings, friends, professors, pastors, or teachers.
Whether you are leaving an abusive church or you are leaving because you have finally realized how Christianity has evolved away from Yeshua and the Apostles’ teachings over the ages, remember that leaving will likely result in being shunned, shamed, or the subject of gossip, all of which will hurt a lot.
However, it will only make you feel worse if you remain in that situation and try to make others understand you, hoping that they will somehow “get it.” When you free them from the “debt” you believe you are “owed” and move on, you will be better, stronger, and much more at peace.
Forgiveness
It took me a long time to get over the realization that I’d been lied to my whole life by pastors, Sunday school teachers, and other Believers. Realizing that the denomination I’d spent my life in had been teaching misinterpretations of Scripture and practicing pagan holidays brought me to a place of anger. It wasn’t until I realized that they’d only been teaching me the unscriptural doctrines that they themselves had been taught that I was able to release my anger and find peace.
Fundamentalism and legalism are things you can escape. Removing legalism and fundamentalism from oneself is much more difficult. You resemble an onion. Perfectionism, legalism, and spiritual abuse are all layers that are frequently entwined with your personality, family structure, and personal shortcomings. These things are extremely prone to being mistaken for one another. You may have left (or are about to leave) a toxic, abusive, or simply unscriptural environment, but it is also possible that your personality type, your family structure, your personal experiences, and any pre-existing mental health issues—like anxiety or OCD—made you more susceptible to such an environment. It is not meant to be a way to place blame on you or condemn you. All I am trying to convey is that everything is interconnected and intricate.
This will be a more involved process the younger you are. This is my theory, anyway. This will probably be a more difficult process for you if you are in your late teens or early twenties. But it was a depressing experience to leave Christianity in my 60s, and I had a lot of forgiveness to do.
I believe that I went through a kind of delayed adolescence as a result of my upbringing (as well as a heart that was typically inclined toward obedience, submission, and perfectionism). Because I was taught that “rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,” I was too afraid to rebel when I was a teenager, but I am now discovering that considering how the brain develops, going through a turbulent phase of testing limits, analyzing concepts, challenging authority, and forging an identity separate from your family of origin is actually entirely biologically normal. In the same way that a two- or three-year-old stomps his feet, says “no,” and throws tantrums when he does not get his way, it is normal for adolescents and young adults to have some degree of independence during this time. Not until the mid-twenties does the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for “planning, emotional regulation, and impulse control,” even reach completion of development.
Fundamentalism, in my opinion, actually works against this typical developmental stage in the same way that it opposes toddler tantrums by arguing that we ought to “break the child’s will.” It goes without saying that children and teenagers alike must learn how to obey authority figures, adhere to laws, stay safe, be kind, and acquire morality. As parents, we should ideally desire for our kids to love and obey God as well. These are not bad things.
However, learning these things is not always a heart problem; occasionally, it is a brain function problem. These skills require brain development, trial and error, and a nurturing environment where a child or adolescent can make mistakes, fail safsafely,d still come out on top.
There are two things that can happen to a child raised in a setting that views any independent thought or action as sinful or rebellious: either they will shut down and become submissive until they are given more freedom, or they will act out and push the boundaries even further.
If you fall into the latter category, you might still feel bad for voicing your own opinions. You may vacillate between “acting out” in anger or aggression, particularly against family or institutions because you never had a chance to safely do so when you were a teen.
Diverse factions within fundamentalism have differing levels of authoritarianism when it comes to parenting and discipline during the adolescent years. Within fundamentalism, there are plenty of families that still let their kids make mistakes and develop their own identities as teenagers. Those who are involved in the Quiverfull movement or homeschooling groups, however, might find this the most difficult. This is the reason I find things like S.M. Davis’ notion of “what to expect from a 12-year-old” so annoying and why I can’t stand the Pearls’ books on submission and child-rearing.
It can be difficult to distinguish between delayed adolescence, leaving fundamentalism, and the identity struggles and typical behavior of a person in their twenties. Not until a few years after I broke with Christianity was I able to look back and see what was really going on. I also had “lightbulb moments” regarding some issues that I had assumed were specific to leaving fundamentalism but were, in fact, just ordinary developmental struggles that I had not had the opportunity to deal with as a teenager.
Anger is commonplace. There will be triggers, not only in the church but also in other settings. Seek out expert assistance. To combat depression and anxiety, practice breathing exercises. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or PTSD, do not be embarrassed to take medication.
I discovered that singing along to “breakup” songs helped me express a lot of my rage and emotions. Leaving a religious movement or a church can be very difficult. Conflicts arising from friends and family not understanding what I was going through should also be added. Most days felt just like a bad breakup.
Finally, the Lord led me to the Messianic Movement, and I not only found Believers who were kind, caring, and welcoming, but I also found sound doctrine and correct interpretations and applications of Scripture. Gradually, my anger, resentment, and sadness dissipated, and I have learned to accept what I went through as the process God used to bring me to the truth of His Word. My relationship with my Savior has blossomed, and for the first time in my spiritual “walk” I have peace.
Prayer and a willingness to be taught will go a long way to making the transition easier.
